What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
