the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
