Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
