Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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