Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
