Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
