since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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