She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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