I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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