I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
