I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
