so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
