I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Randomize
