I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
When are your genitals available?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
