if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
