You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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