I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
