Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
