Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
