Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
