can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
