also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
