I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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