Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The uberlube is also flammable
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
3 2 1 whiskey
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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