sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
