im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
