So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
