thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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