I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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