Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
