i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
