She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
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