The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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