Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
