You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
