You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
