I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
