My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
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