I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
