i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
