I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
