Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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