I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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