you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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