cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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