I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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