I am spending my child support on dildos
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
