I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
