She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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