I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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